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Saturday, 18 June 2011

Letter to a Deadbeat Father

"I found it necessary to elaborate pertaining to why I stated that you are MAINLY the reason why your child is in the situation he’s in today. Of course, I realize that our son is now incarcerated because of the choices he made but this is not about his choices. This is wayyyy DEEPER than his choices! This is simply about the ROOT of his problems! In my heart, I know for a fact that YOU his father is and has been the root of his problems. You may wonder why or how could I come up with this conclusion. Well, I say this because I have watched you disappoint our son repeatedly with your LIES & broken promises. Each time you lied to our son you slowly broke his spirit. You obviously do not understand that your lies & broken promises made our son feel as if you did not care for him. He interpreted your behavior as if he wasn’t worthy of your love! He felt as if you rejected him because of something he did wrong. He was not equipped to realize that your rejection of him was your issue, not his issue.
Each time you made a promise you could not keep, he thought it was his fault.  Especially knowing that you were providing for your other family. I truly don’t understand why you don’t realize the impact of your behavior. As a Father, I feel as if you FAILED our son! Instead, of building his spirit & character with TRUTHS, you broke his spirit with lies….. You are the reason why he walked, and still walks around feeling insecure, not knowing his worth! No matter what I did or said, no matter what others did or said in his life. He felt worthless! Because the man that he loved and admired the most did not return the love that he deserved.

Where were you? Why didn’t you step up? Why didn’t you go out your way to give your son what he needed? Why didn’t you live for him? I still do not understand why you neglected him, but I do realize that NO ONE was able to fill the void of having his father in his life. Your son needed you and because you weren’t there; anger, hatred, resentment, rage, and insecurities, emerged within him for you and everyone else! No matter what I said, or how much I pray over our son, he still felt worthless! He remained insecure. This is why he hung around with the wrong guys. That’s why he hung around people who were negative influences, he felt just as worthless as they felt! Worthless led to desperation and that led to bad decisions, which as you see led to where he is today.

As a woman and a mother, you tell me that I was supposed to teach him to be a man, to love himself and others, when the love he needed should have come from a man and that man is you his father. The security that is suppose to come from a boys relationship with his father never developed because you left your son exposed, vulnerable for the streets to raise and mentor!

Again, I truly do not understand why you do not understand how your absence, lies, and broken promises affected his life. I will admit, I feel as if I played a part in our son’s demise as well. I am guilty of allowing you to lie and disappoint our son time and time again. I should have protected him from you by not EVER allowing you to establish a relationship with him. I should have been honest with him and told him that his father died along time ago when his dreams died. I should have made him think that I was the reason why you both didn’t have a relationship. Reflecting back, blaming myself would have been better than allowing you to hurt him repeatedly…. I AM GUILTY! I AM GUILTY of trying to play the role of mother and father to a male-child. I can not vividly describe the pain that I have sat back and watched our son endure throughout the years. I just assumed that because you were without a father that you would not want to expose our son to that same feeling that you had. Now I realize that this is a cycle that should have been broken with you, now it is up to our son to make sure that he is a better man and father to his children so that they are not exposed to this life that he has been forced to deal with.

So, you see, in my heart and soul you are mainly the reason why our son is living in despair at this moment!!!! Honestly, after talking to you , you sound like you was starting to understand, but I see you don't even care! However, one day you will, I pray that on that day that God has mercy on your soul. As a Father you were suppose to be his protector, provider, someone your son could depend on. Instead, you evolved into a hindrance! All I can ask you is to look within and ask yourself these questions: Did you give him what he deserved? Did you give your son one hundred percent of yourself? Were you the father that he needed? Did you protect and provide for our son? Did you understand the power in your role Father? If not, how could this not be mainly your fault? I myself am more hurt than angry. To see my son in such a bad place physically and mentally. I forgive you and I forgive myself, for I have bearded my cross in front of God, now you have to do the same. I pray that you will one day make amends and do right by your child. You can’t change the past but you can fix the present."

After the mother sent the letter to the deadbeat father, he responded within moments of receiving the letter with excuses and justifications... He could not handle the truth. He probably didn't even read the entire letter! His conscious mind would not allow him to deal with his truth... This letter teaches so many lessons! The lessons that stands out most for me are that excuses and justifications are USELESS! They do not matter, once the child is negatively affected! 

A Deadbeat Father should take responsibility for his actions! He should also understand the repercussions of his lack of desire to effectively parent his child. HE CANNOT EVER BLAME HIS LACK OF PARENTING ON THE MOTHER OR ANYONE ELSE AND NOR SHOULD OTHERS!  Some would say that a half-ass father is better than no father! By the sound of this letter, I would beg to differ!

I would say, a strong reliable parent who will instill love is better than 1/2 a parent who will instill rejection!

 In saying that, strive to become a REAL FATHER!!!

If this letter is speaking to REAL FATHERS, then please encourage deadbeats, fathers of convenience, sperm donors, playmates to evolve into exceptional fathers such as yourselves! Teach them the benefits of  hard work, sacrifice, and your strong presences within your children's lives! Show them how your strong values, love, spirituality, and Mighty persona's positively affect your families!   

If you enable, and say nothing, we may lose another child to despair!  God gives Father's instructions!

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