By Erin Konrad
If you were sexually abused as a child, there are several steadfast
things you believe. Friends, family, and therapists can all tell you
that you were a victim. They can reassure you that you are still lovable
and pure, but there are some things that become ingrained in your
thinking -- and no amount of praise can dislodge the hate you end up
feeling for yourself.
The list of things you blame
yourself for is, in fact, most likely not true, but it doesn’t stop you
from holding on to these "truths."
1. You could have done more to stop it.
It
doesn’t matter the age the abuse started or when it ended, you will
always feel like you should have taken more action to stop it. Even as a
child, you should have ignored blatant (or subtle) threats to your
safety or the well-being of your loved ones. You should have brushed
aside physical assaults, and told your parents or a teacher. Of course,
you were terrified or confused, but only guilty parties don’t come
forward to report abuse.
2. Your body is damaged.
The
abuse that occurred leads you to believe that whatever happened to you
is visible to the whole world. You convince yourself that your skin must
ooze shame, that your aura gives off a slightly disgusting perfume.
Instead of realizing that you just feel gross on the inside, you tell
yourself that your exterior must be just as dirty.
3. What you went through wasn’t that bad.
As
someone who was sexually abused, you’re a pro at minimizing your pain.
You don’t have cancer, you didn’t survive a horrific car crash. Heck,
what happened to you is not nearly as terrible as what other people go
through in life. You compare the hurt you feel to every sad story you
hear -- and yours simply doesn’t measure up.
4. You should be over it.
Your
abuse could have happened last week or 10 years ago. However much time
has passed, you should be able to shrug it off and move on. You wonder
why you still dwell on the past. It’s time to accept that it happened,
and stop feeling sad about it.
5. You deserved it.
Sure,
it’s the argument that defense attorneys use to win rape cases: "You
asked for it." You shouldn’t have allowed yourself to be left alone with
him, you should have resisted more, you should have kicked and
screamed. Bottom line: You deserved everything you got.
The
hope is that one day you learn to dispute every single one of these
ideas. You learn that what happened to you wasn’t your fault, that there
are bad people in this world, but you’re not one of them. Above all,
you’re able to finally start listening to that small voice inside that
rejects the notion that you don’t deserve to be happy. But in the
meantime, at least you can take comfort in the fact that there are some
common things that people who were molested believe -- even if they’re
wrong.
Links:
[1] http://xojane.com
[2] http://www.alternet.org/authors/erin-konrad
[3] http://www.alternet.org/tags/child-sexual-abuse
[4] http://www.alternet.org/%2Bnew_src%2B
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